Dr. Donna

Dr. Donna

Febuary 2003

Dear Dr. Donna,

I'm a ladybiker. Actually, I just started riding a few months ago. I enjoy riding so much that I ride my bike to and from work everyday, rain or shine.

The problem is, lately I have the feeling that I'm being followed. Especially when I'm going to and from work. I see the same people in the same cars on my way to work and on my way home from work. It's driving me crazy. I even started leaving a half hour early, but after a few days, I noticed a whole group of different people in different cars following me. Sometimes they even wave. It's very scary. Have you ever heard of anything like this?

Scared in Shreveport

Dear Scared in Shreveport,

I believe what you are suffering from is called paranoidstupidphobia. What's following you is called traffice, you PINHEAD. Did you ever stop and think that these people may be going to work the same time as you?

Tell you what you do. Get yourself a pair of Groucho Marx nose and glasses and wear them when your ride your bike. They'll still be following you, at least they won't know who you are. If this doesn't work, check yourself into my "Institute for the Stupid".

Dear Dr. Donna,

I came home from work and found my wife making love to a strange man right on the living room couch. After a big scene, the man ran out of the house and my wife and I had a big fight. She said it was all my fault because I don't give her enough attention. I will admit, my wife is a slut, but the fact is, I love her and I don't want to lose her. But, by the same token, I don't want to walk in on another scene like that. What should I do?

Lovesick in Lafayette

Dear Lovesick in Lafayette,

Sell your couch.

Dear Dr. Donna,

I notice you like to make fun of fat people. While the letters are funny and I do get a chuckle out of them, I think it's a cheap shot to always be poking fun at the overweight people.

Appalled in Alexandria

Dear Appalled in Alexandria,

I only poke fun at people who ask for it. I actually have nothing against overweight people. In fact, my best friend is 5'2" and weighs 240 pounds. Yet, I always take her with me when I go boating. We use her for a ballast.

The following letters were voted the "Best of Dr. Donna" by readers for 2002, enjoy them!

Dear Dr. Donna,

I need some help making a decision that will affect my life for years to come. First, I'll give you some background. I'm an attractive 25 year old female. I'm working part-time as a waitress and I hate it. I never went to college since I've hated school all my life and barely made it through high school. To be honest, I want all the good things in life, but, I don't want to have to work for them. I fell that with my lookds, I can get just about anything I want, so why should I have to work hard?

Recently, I met a guy (I'll call him Jim) at a get together grand opening of a Harley dealeership. Jim is 45 and has just retired from a blue collar job up north. He has a very good pension and a nice house on the water and a new Harley. I don't think he's rich, but he does seem to be well off and he is very generous. After 3 months of dating, he bought me a new sportster and a bunch of Harley clothes as well as some really nice jewelry.

We've been dating now for 6 months and Jim thinks we should get engaged and move in together and if things work out, we would soon get married. The thing is, though Jim is a real nice guy, he's only average looking and certainly no better than average in bed. The fact that he's 20 years older than me also bothers me and we really don't have much in common. I could probably put up with him for 5 or 6 years if he continues to be as generous as he's been and of course, I wouldn't have to work. Some of my friends say if I don't love him, I shouldn't move in with Jim or marry him. I believe love never lasts forever and a girl needs to get what she can, when she can, (I'm a millennium woman). I guess my question is, should I go ahead and marry Jim or hold out for some really rich guy who will give me even more stuff? I want your honest opinion.

Looking out for myself in Mansfield

Dear Looking out for myself in Mansfield,

If you want honesty, you came to the right place. First of all, what you are is NOT a "Woman of the Millennium". However, there is a name for you. It's prostitute, you ignorant slut. The only difference between you and a common street walker is that you've only got one customer, at least for now. You should be the poster child for sociopaths, in other words, you have no conscience. In your entire letter, you never mentioned Jim's feelings, he's a human being not an automatic bank teller machine, you bimbo. Here's some advice, get off your lazy ass, get an education, then a good job and buy your own "stuff" you lazy bitch. At the very least, tell Jim exactly how you feel. If he still wants to marry you, then he will deserve what he gets, a lazy self-centered money grubbing slut. Hope this helps.

Dear Dr. Donna,

I was married for 6 years to my ex-husband. I loved him very much, but after 6 years of him cheating on me, abusing me physically and mentally and forcing me into bankruptcy, (he never worked, but loved to spend my money), I finally divorced him. That was 5 years ago. Recently, we ran into each other after all this time and began dating. He seems to be a changed man. He actually works a steady job and now only drinks occasionally. Things are going well and we're thinking of re-marrying. Do you think it's possible for a person to change so much? Do you think we could possibly live happily ever after?

Praying in the Plaquemine

Dear Praying in the Plaquemine,

Try looking at the situation this way. You open the fridge and take out a quart of milk and find it's gone sour. Would you throw the milk away or put it back in the fridge and hope it smells better in a couple weeks? I promise you this, if you put it back in the fridge, it will only stink worse the second time around, just like your marriage will if you get back with that loser.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Keep the letters coming for this year!

Till Next month, ride safe, be happy and keep our soldiers and country in your thoughts and prayers. Give you loved ones that extra hug and kiss, for today is just a gift! A big hello goes out to David Brown, my friend who is now deployed to Afghanistan and is in the Army. God speed David! Be safe and we love you! Another big hey to AJ our Marine!!!!

January 2003

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but, I had the best grades in the whole school.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a stupid yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the hell were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole year to come out with some crap like this under the tree. As if you hadn't screwed me enough, you have that little quiff across the street that got so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll mess you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the *#@*^# North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that damn bike.

Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you fat piece of reindeer crap. Little Johnny

Dear Dr. Donna,

I was wondering if you had an opinion on the new ordinances in Daytona Beach limiting businesses from operating during Biketoberfest. Between hotel prices (I paid 400.00 a night) and the City Council, it seems like Daytona Beach is not biker friendly anymore.

Pondering their Prices in the Panhandle

Dear Pondering their Prices in the Panhandle,

Yes, it's no secret the Daytona Beach City Council is tired of Bike Week and Biketoberfest and is doing their best to limit the length of these events. If you look at it from their point of view however, you can see their point. For instance, Bike Week attracts 500,000 bikers. Of that 500,000, about 75,000 are complete and total morons with no consideration for anyone or anything. I witnessed imbiciles on sport bikes tearing down A1A in heavy traffice doing wheelies, drunken pea-brains revving their loud pipes and doing burn-outs in bumper to bumper traffice on Speedway Boulevard and on and on. At the hotel I was staying at, a group of Boss Hoss clowns thought 4:00am was a good time to have a loud pipe contest in the hotel parking lot. So, if you live in Daytona, who are you going to remember? The 425,000 bikers just out for a good time and not bothering anybody or the 75,000 assholes? I think you know the answer. While events like Americade in Lake George New York keep growing and the City welcomes the bikers with open arms, others like Daytona, are attempting to limit the size and length of their events. I don't have an answer to the problem, but I can suggest that when you go to Daytona, don't forget to pack your brain and a little common sense and consideration. Hey, here's an idea. How about fencing off a few dozen acres 20 miles outside of town and call it the drunk and stupid bikers haven?

Dear Dr. Donna,

I'm in the Air Force and stationed at MacDill Air Force Base. In a couple of weeks, I'll be heading to the Middle East to prepare to fight for my country and I am honored to do so. Unfortunately, as I ride my new Harley to work each morning, I have to pass by a group of anti-war protesters. I think to myself how lucky I am to live in America, to be able to feel the wind in my face and smell the fresh air and have the ability to own such a beautiful machine, and how many people in this world want to take this freedom from me. What is wrong with these people? Don't they realize how lucky we are and that we sometimes need to fight to keep our freedom?

An American

Dear American,

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. The problem is, these people you see holding their anti-war signs are out of touch with reality and border on insane. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, the same way over and over and expecting different results, then they are insane. Because that is their only answer, send in the "Inspectors", don't go to war. Well, we've done that for 11 years and it's not working. Sadaam continues to build his arsenal. Look what we have now in North Korea. Inspections didn't work very well there either, now they have nuclear weapons and are preparing to blackmail the free world. I am very aware that war is a horrible thing. Many thousands of innocent Iraqis will die as will some of our brave service men and women. However, we need to make an example of Iraq before millions of innocent Americans are killed. Anyone who doesn't see that, either has another agenda or is so incredibly stupid, even Dr. Donna can't help them.

Dear Dr. Donna,

My husband and I love to ride especially on long distance tours with friends. The problem is my husband's bike. It's 20 years old and far from a classic and it breaks down constantly. He barely takes it to the dealer for service saying they're way to expensive and instead, he tries to fix it himself. To say he's not mechanically inclined is an understatement. Last year we had planned a trip from our home in Alabama to Sturgis. The bike broke down before we got 100 miles from home. We spent 2 days waiting for parts which inconvenienced our 2 friends riding with us. They finally left us when we again broke down once we arrived in Sturgis. We had to rent a truck and tow the bike back home. The thing is, we can afford a new bike, but my husband insists there's plenty of life left in our present piece of shit. What is wrong with this man? None of our friends will even ride with us anymore because they're tired of waiting around on the side of the road for a tow truck.

At my wit's end in Alabama

Dear At my wit's end in Alabama,

It sounds like your husband is suffering from frugalnosis or in layman's terms, he's a cheap bastard. Here's the answer to your problem. Tell him to buy a new bike or you're not going with him. Better yet, buy your own bike and leave the cheapskate home.


	back to Editor&Writers Articles Gettin' around with DIANIMAL \| Gettin' around with NAPPY \| Dr. Donna \| Gettin' around with TANK \| Gettin around with VICKI \| Editors favorite pics Dr. Donna Febuary 2003 Dear Dr. Donna, I'm a ladybiker. Actually, I just started riding a few months ago. I enjoy riding so much that I ride my bike to and from work everyday, rain or shine. The problem is, lately I have the feeling that I'm being followed. Especially when I'm going to and from work. I see the same people in the same cars on my way to work and on my way home from work. It's driving me crazy. I even started leaving a half hour early, but after a few days, I noticed a whole group of different people in different cars following me. Sometimes they even wave. It's very scary. Have you ever heard of anything like this? Scared in Shreveport Dear Scared in Shreveport, I believe what you are suffering from is called paranoidstupidphobia. What's following you is called traffice, you PINHEAD. Did you ever stop and think that these people may be going to work the same time as you? Tell you what you do. Get yourself a pair of Groucho Marx nose and glasses and wear them when your ride your bike. They'll still be following you, at least they won't know who you are. If this doesn't work, check yourself into my "Institute for the Stupid". Dear Dr. Donna, I came home from work and found my wife making love to a strange man right on the living room couch. After a big scene, the man ran out of the house and my wife and I had a big fight. She said it was all my fault because I don't give her enough attention. I will admit, my wife is a slut, but the fact is, I love her and I don't want to lose her. But, by the same token, I don't want to walk in on another scene like that. What should I do? Lovesick in Lafayette Dear Lovesick in Lafayette, Sell your couch. Dear Dr. Donna, I notice you like to make fun of fat people. While the letters are funny and I do get a chuckle out of them, I think it's a cheap shot to always be poking fun at the overweight people. Appalled in Alexandria Dear Appalled in Alexandria, I only poke fun at people who ask for it. I actually have nothing against overweight people. In fact, my best friend is 5'2" and weighs 240 pounds. Yet, I always take her with me when I go boating. We use her for a ballast. The following letters were voted the "Best of Dr. Donna" by readers for 2002, enjoy them! Dear Dr. Donna, I need some help making a decision that will affect my life for years to come. First, I'll give you some background. I'm an attractive 25 year old female. I'm working part-time as a waitress and I hate it. I never went to college since I've hated school all my life and barely made it through high school. To be honest, I want all the good things in life, but, I don't want to have to work for them. I fell that with my lookds, I can get just about anything I want, so why should I have to work hard? Recently, I met a guy (I'll call him Jim) at a get together grand opening of a Harley dealeership. Jim is 45 and has just retired from a blue collar job up north. He has a very good pension and a nice house on the water and a new Harley. I don't think he's rich, but he does seem to be well off and he is very generous. After 3 months of dating, he bought me a new sportster and a bunch of Harley clothes as well as some really nice jewelry. We've been dating now for 6 months and Jim thinks we should get engaged and move in together and if things work out, we would soon get married. The thing is, though Jim is a real nice guy, he's only average looking and certainly no better than average in bed. The fact that he's 20 years older than me also bothers me and we really don't have much in common. I could probably put up with him for 5 or 6 years if he continues to be as generous as he's been and of course, I wouldn't have to work. Some of my friends say if I don't love him, I shouldn't move in with Jim or marry him. I believe love never lasts forever and a girl needs to get what she can, when she can, (I'm a millennium woman). I guess my question is, should I go ahead and marry Jim or hold out for some really rich guy who will give me even more stuff? I want your honest opinion. Looking out for myself in Mansfield Dear Looking out for myself in Mansfield, If you want honesty, you came to the right place. First of all, what you are is NOT a "Woman of the Millennium". However, there is a name for you. It's prostitute, you ignorant slut. The only difference between you and a common street walker is that you've only got one customer, at least for now. You should be the poster child for sociopaths, in other words, you have no conscience. In your entire letter, you never mentioned Jim's feelings, he's a human being not an automatic bank teller machine, you bimbo. Here's some advice, get off your lazy ass, get an education, then a good job and buy your own "stuff" you lazy bitch. At the very least, tell Jim exactly how you feel. If he still wants to marry you, then he will deserve what he gets, a lazy self-centered money grubbing slut. Hope this helps. Dear Dr. Donna, I was married for 6 years to my ex-husband. I loved him very much, but after 6 years of him cheating on me, abusing me physically and mentally and forcing me into bankruptcy, (he never worked, but loved to spend my money), I finally divorced him. That was 5 years ago. Recently, we ran into each other after all this time and began dating. He seems to be a changed man. He actually works a steady job and now only drinks occasionally. Things are going well and we're thinking of re-marrying. Do you think it's possible for a person to change so much? Do you think we could possibly live happily ever after? Praying in the Plaquemine Dear Praying in the Plaquemine, Try looking at the situation this way. You open the fridge and take out a quart of milk and find it's gone sour. Would you throw the milk away or put it back in the fridge and hope it smells better in a couple weeks? I promise you this, if you put it back in the fridge, it will only stink worse the second time around, just like your marriage will if you get back with that loser. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Keep the letters coming for this year! Till Next month, ride safe, be happy and keep our soldiers and country in your thoughts and prayers. Give you loved ones that extra hug and kiss, for today is just a gift! A big hello goes out to David Brown, my friend who is now deployed to Afghanistan and is in the Army. God speed David! Be safe and we love you! Another big hey to AJ our Marine!!!! January 2003 Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but, I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a stupid yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the hell were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole year to come out with some crap like this under the tree. As if you hadn't screwed me enough, you have that little quiff across the street that got so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll mess you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the #@^# North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that damn bike. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you fat piece of reindeer crap. Little Johnny Dear Dr. Donna, I was wondering if you had an opinion on the new ordinances in Daytona Beach limiting businesses from operating during Biketoberfest. Between hotel prices (I paid 400.00 a night) and the City Council, it seems like Daytona Beach is not biker friendly anymore. Pondering their Prices in the Panhandle Dear Pondering their Prices in the Panhandle, Yes, it's no secret the Daytona Beach City Council is tired of Bike Week and Biketoberfest and is doing their best to limit the length of these events. If you look at it from their point of view however, you can see their point. For instance, Bike Week attracts 500,000 bikers. Of that 500,000, about 75,000 are complete and total morons with no consideration for anyone or anything. I witnessed imbiciles on sport bikes tearing down A1A in heavy traffice doing wheelies, drunken pea-brains revving their loud pipes and doing burn-outs in bumper to bumper traffice on Speedway Boulevard and on and on. At the hotel I was staying at, a group of Boss Hoss clowns thought 4:00am was a good time to have a loud pipe contest in the hotel parking lot. So, if you live in Daytona, who are you going to remember? The 425,000 bikers just out for a good time and not bothering anybody or the 75,000 assholes? I think you know the answer. While events like Americade in Lake George New York keep growing and the City welcomes the bikers with open arms, others like Daytona, are attempting to limit the size and length of their events. I don't have an answer to the problem, but I can suggest that when you go to Daytona, don't forget to pack your brain and a little common sense and consideration. Hey, here's an idea. How about fencing off a few dozen acres 20 miles outside of town and call it the drunk and stupid bikers haven? Dear Dr. Donna, I'm in the Air Force and stationed at MacDill Air Force Base. In a couple of weeks, I'll be heading to the Middle East to prepare to fight for my country and I am honored to do so. Unfortunately, as I ride my new Harley to work each morning, I have to pass by a group of anti-war protesters. I think to myself how lucky I am to live in America, to be able to feel the wind in my face and smell the fresh air and have the ability to own such a beautiful machine, and how many people in this world want to take this freedom from me. What is wrong with these people? Don't they realize how lucky we are and that we sometimes need to fight to keep our freedom? An American Dear American, Yes, I know exactly what you mean. The problem is, these people you see holding their anti-war signs are out of touch with reality and border on insane. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, the same way over and over and expecting different results, then they are insane. Because that is their only answer, send in the "Inspectors", don't go to war. Well, we've done that for 11 years and it's not working. Sadaam continues to build his arsenal. Look what we have now in North Korea. Inspections didn't work very well there either, now they have nuclear weapons and are preparing to blackmail the free world. I am very aware that war is a horrible thing. Many thousands of innocent Iraqis will die as will some of our brave service men and women. However, we need to make an example of Iraq before millions of innocent Americans are killed. Anyone who doesn't see that, either has another agenda or is so incredibly stupid, even Dr. Donna can't help them. Dear Dr. Donna, My husband and I love to ride especially on long distance tours with friends. The problem is my husband's bike. It's 20 years old and far from a classic and it breaks down constantly. He barely takes it to the dealer for service saying they're way to expensive and instead, he tries to fix it himself. To say he's not mechanically inclined is an understatement. Last year we had planned a trip from our home in Alabama to Sturgis. The bike broke down before we got 100 miles from home. We spent 2 days waiting for parts which inconvenienced our 2 friends riding with us. They finally left us when we again broke down once we arrived in Sturgis. We had to rent a truck and tow the bike back home. The thing is, we can afford a new bike, but my husband insists there's plenty of life left in our present piece of shit. What is wrong with this man? None of our friends will even ride with us anymore because they're tired of waiting around on the side of the road for a tow truck. At my wit's end in Alabama Dear At my wit's end in Alabama, It sounds like your husband is suffering from frugalnosis or in layman's terms, he's a cheap bastard. Here's the answer to your problem. Tell him to buy a new bike or you're not going with him. Better yet, buy your own bike and leave the cheapskate home. Full Throttle Magazine of Louisiana- All Rights Reserved